Reflecting on 2018
One Sunday morning in October, I woke up feeling off. It was a familiar feeling, but one I hadn’t felt in a long time - a combination of resentment, sadness, and hopelessness.
Earlier that week, I had a realization. It was this: for basically all of 2018 I haven’t been living. By that, I mean - I haven’t been living to chase any dreams. I haven’t been living to accomplish any goals. Instead, I have been living with the purpose to heal, to get better, and to move on. And this stirred negative emotions for me.
Over the past year and a half, I’ve become hyper aware of my thoughts and actions before I think or act on them because of the immense fear of falling back into a deep dark hole. My life after depression has been centered around working to prevent it from happening again and trying to let go of any lingering pain, grudge, and disappointment. Upon my realization of the year, I began to feel like I wasted valuable time in which I could’ve used to work on building my future.
In the same week, I informed my therapist of this realization and she asked her favorite question, “why do you give him and your past so much power?”
And I gave my standard answer, “I don’t know.”
So, back to that same Sunday in October, while waiting in line at Din Tai Fung to eat dumplings, I couldn’t hold back my emotions and cried in silence for a good ~three minutes. Soon after inhaling delicious rounds of dumplings and receiving uplifting feedback from my incredible friends, Dorothy and Chad, I was laughing and back to feeling on again.
I realized after this underlying realization that it actually wasn’t time wasted. It was time gained in the long run. It’s all about perspective. Technically, I was investing in my future because I was investing in my overall wellbeing to even be able to carry on a successful and healthy future.
Admittedly, I was being too hard on myself. I was looking around and feeling like my peers were successfully going on dates, growing in serious relationships, and embarking on creative passion projects, whereas this entire year I’ve had no desire to be in a relationship and felt stuck in my career.
This feeling has left me angry at myself and my past because I’m left with the fear that I will never truly find the desire again. I want to have the desire again. I want to believe I will one day feel totally ready to be in a relationship and optimistic about finding my person. But right now, I just don’t and I’m accepting that it’s OK to feel this way.
The idea of “letting go” sounds so simple and so damn refreshing. Like it’s achievable by hiking to the top of a mountain in Hawai’i, standing over a cliff, overlooking the pristine ocean and letting out (screaming) the last bit of exasperation inside of you. Then, suddenly coming down as a completely different person with a completely different way of thinking.
The reality is I’ve been letting go for the past two years and I’m still letting go. I have moments of shame and embarrassment that I still give my past some power in my life, but when it happens, I try my best to snap out of it and come back to the present. Time has proven itself in the situation; it always does. When I’m triggered, it doesn’t hurt as badly as it did a year ago, five months ago, three months ago, or even a month ago.
So, the word to describe my year is “stable.” Another one would be “gentle.” There weren’t crazy highs or awful lows, and I’m realizing that is a good thing. I’m just getting used to being a good place because I honestly forgot what life was like without crying every single day and recovering from manic episodes.
I do wonder if I’ll ever be in a place of total peace and forgiveness. I want to be and I want to get there in a healthy way. I want to get there by forgiving my past, not forgetting it.
Nonetheless, my year was filled with gratitude, inspiration, love, and travel. I’ve fallen more in love with the beauty of mother nature and she continues to keep me grounded when I feel lost. 2018 was good to me, but I’m ready to move forward toward the future I desire. I trust myself and my health to take life head on in 2019. I’m ready and so are you because we are all so much stronger than we think.
Here are my biggest takeaways of 2018 that I will be taking into 2019:
The Law of Attraction. The more energy and thoughts you put into something, the more you will get of it. Changing the way you think and your perspective can be all it takes to get what you want.
Start the day with gratitude. It truly sets the tone for the day and in a way, resets your brain in the morning.
Don’t be so hard on yourself! You’re only bringing yourself down by doing that and that’s seriously no fun. With that, be kind to yourself AND everyone you encounter.
Surround yourself with people who appreciate your input and consider your feelings.
The power of your breath can bring you back to you. You are in control.
Listen more. Write more. Paint more. Do more.
Spend money on what will add value and joy to your life, particularly travel and experiences.
You only have one body. You’re stuck with it forever. Treat it like a sacred temple. I learned that acidic foods like fruit, nuts, and vegetables make the body alkaline and foods like meat, dairy, and grains make the body acidic. Too much acid causes bloating, inflammation, fatigue, and disease. But that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a burger here and there.
Volunteer! I’ve realized I’m the kind of person who would much rather do, instead of a blind donation (I still donate too). I started dragging my friends to beach clean-ups in the beginning of the year, and will continue to do it because my love for the ocean is real.
Continue to let go.
If you made it this far into what I just wrote, I’m impressed and flattered. Thank you and like always, I’m open to listening and helping you find the light that’s already in you.
With so much love,
Glo
Ending the year with my bestest friend in Cozumel:
